About 20 years ago a man that we will call Fred disappeared from a small Finnish town. Fred had a somewhat questionable past, but nothing to make someone think he had been murdered. So in 2000 they just declared him a dead Fred, but on Monday they found out exactly how Fred became dead…he got stuck in a chimney of an industrial building. Yes he got stuck and died in 1991. The only good news for Fred was that the chimney was never used, and the good news for rescuers was that he was somehow mummified so everything was intact and his identification was in his wallet.

Out of Illinois … Say Cheese

A 39 year old man was walking through what must have been gangsta territory in Chicago over the weekend because…well, he got shot. He got shot right in the kisser. No lie, the man got shot in the mouth, which of course knocked out his front tooth and what a tooth it must have been. The guy must have Fitz size teeth because while one got knocked out it stopped the freaking bullet from penetrating his head. And here is the best part, after realizing what happened he spit out…spit out not only his tooth, but the bullet!

Out of Britain … Suckkkkker!

Do you or your kid have bucked teeth? Be honest, could you eat peanuts through a picked fence? Well it is likely that you had the dreaded addiction of thumb sucking. Yes thumb sucking causes lots of problems for the beaver teeth and misaligns the jaw! So that is why there is an orthodontist in Britain who has opened the first Thumb Sucking Clinic. Yes, it comes complete with a Thumb Sucking 12 Step Program. No word on the cost, but can you really put a price tag on keeping your child from being called bugs, Bucky, or sniggled tooth?

Out of Texas … An Unholy War

The good book says when confrontation strikes, you should not…you should turn the other cheek. Well Father John Parnell of the Saint Augustine Catholic Church in Fort Worth must have missed that passage. Just ask a Jehovah witness that stopped by his parsonage last week.

The word is that the Jehovah witness stopped by to let one of the father’s family know they were going to burn in hell. Yep, he was explaining to a young lady that if she did not leave her Catholic ways she would rest in the lake of fire and when Father Parnell heard this…he walked out the front door and began to beat the crud out of the Watch Tower Wacko! He unleashed a fiery fury of his own! In the end, the father was arrested.

Out of world of great inventions … Whizzing by

At 67 years-old Gerald Willis invented something incredible…something incredible but now deemed illegal. What is it you ask? A very very life like man who who. Now before your mind wonders down the LOVERS of Tukwila lane it is for helping people pass drug test. It is called the Whizzinator and here is how it works, the drug user on probation takes the Whizzinator and fills it full of clean wee wee. Understand?

They fill the fake who who with clean wee wee from a friend and then put it down in their wranglers and go take the drug test. It looks so real that if the probation officer catches a glimpse of Mr. Happy they will not know the difference. Well Gerald the who who guru just got arrested for a federal offense. Think about it…he is helping federal criminals illegally pass drug test so he has had to plead guilt to conspiracy to selling drug paraphernalia and conspiracy to defraud our government.

Out of New York … Sexy Sweat Shop

From the desk of The Fitz…there is a new workout that is all…all the rage in the Big Apple. It is a new kind of hot, hot…very hot yoga. This is a form of yoga where everyone sits together in a room buck naked.

Interesting enough…almost all the participants tend to be men. Yep, the flexible flop fest has a ratio of about 2 men for every woman. The inventor of the show your ying yang yoga is Jeffery Duval and he says it is a way for participant to shred their clothes, fears, and insecurities. One participant said, yeah, but it’s also a great way too find someone who is flexible and looks great naked (attempt at humor).

Out of Illinois…on the road to no whereville

George hood has set a new world record. Get a load of this my little coffee sipping donut dipping friends.

While we were shoving calories down over the weekend…Georgie was riding his bike. He was riding and riding and riding.  King George rode for 85 hours. You heard me right, George road his bike for 85 hours and went just over 1,000 miles for a new world record. Is that amazing or what? Oh wait…i almost forgot…he was on a stationary bike.

Out of Hong Kong…ooooo that’s just wrong

Barry kwok thinks he deserves to be recognized as a world record holder too, and why not Barry has done something that we could all agree is amazing.  Listen to this…he got himself really good and sun burned. We’re talking he looked like a walking tomato, and then he waited…he waited just the right amount of time before peel his skin off. Oh yeah baby…he was then able to peel off almost an entire foot of his back skin…

He has the skin flap to prove it and wants to be recognized. Guinness says nope…that’s just not worth recognizing. After all…how would something that silly look right next to a guy who road his bike for 85 hours going absolutely no where.

Out of the world of underwear…this is a gas

There is a new pair of underwear out there for us fellas…oh and they are sweet.  Better than those whitie tighties the fruit boys are always singing about…these babies have game!

And and they will allow us to let one go, without anyone being the wiser. Yes, i’m talking about anit-fart wear.Anti fart underwear baby! The under ease pants, as they are called, have a built in gas and stink filter!

The multi layered, replaceable filters are made of felt, charcoal and fiberglass wool. So these babies won’t even let out a silent screamer.

You can go on that date with Betty Sue and still enjoy the sensations of dropping the big ones without even having to make an excuse for rolling down the window! Sure, they are a little tight fitting to make sure nothing escapes, but there worth it. Order yours today and www.under-tec.com.

No name or age was given so we will call him Little Jimmy. Little Jimmy went into a convenient store with a knife to rob them of all their beer, cigarettes, and lottery cash!!! And here comes the reason I call him little Jimmy, because he can’t be very big at all…because the convenient store king reached across the counter and slapped Jim to the floor. He then got on top of him and restrained him. It was them that Little Jimmy began begging … not for his life, but that the clerk would not tell his mommy. He held the boy until officers of justice arrived on the scene.

Out of Texas … Open Mouth, Insert Huge Foot

Keith Oberman thought he found the perfect … perfect TV blooper to poke fun of on his show. It was a clip of a Houston TV anchor Melanie Lawson literally falling out of her chair and onto the floor! He yucked it up titling the clip “Anchors Away”, but a couple of days later he found out why she fell out of her seat. The lovely Ms. Lawson suffers from M.S. (Multiple Sclerosis) and uses a cane. He later begged forgiveness of all who heard him make a jackass of himself.

Out of Pennsylvania …. Just hanging out!

20 year-old Elbert Lewis Thompson was being not so closely guarded at the Allegheny General Hospital. Elbert was incarcerated but said that he had a horrible belly ache and was taken to the hospital. Well go figure … it was a con. He was not sick but he was slick, because he escaped. Well while he may be slick he is pretty stupid because he was caught in a local bar. He was caught because it was hard to miss him standing there drinking a beer in a hospital gown and his butt hanging out.

Denard Span has made it to the big leagues so he invited his entire…entire family to watch him perform as the lead off batter for the Minnesota Twins. The family took their seats behind home plate as Denard stood at the plate. He stood their like a future hall of famer. He stared down the pitcher and took…took the first pitch. It was a ball! Then came the second pitch, it was coming right down the middle and Denny was ready! He swung for the fence and connected with full force, but the ball did not go over the fence. No, he fouled it straight back and nailed his mother right in the chest!!!! Paramedics fixed her up and she was able to finish watching her son play a great game.

Out of Indiana … Behavioral Modification

Two Martinsville coppers were called to a local elementary school because a 10 year-old…yes a 10 year-old was out of control. When officers arrived they were shocked to find that he was literally hurting other kids and flipping out like a hyperactive active kid on a sugar buzz. So to take care of the situation the two officers tazed and slapped the kid. That calmed him down, but they are looking for work.

Out of Japan … Playing the Organ

Our Asian friends are known for their great…huge festivals! And nothing is bigger than their annual Penis Festival. Yes indeed, the tally of wackiness has its own festival in Japan. Each year people gather in the streets to display their massive wood…uh, wooden statues I should say. Out of all the festivals this one definitely…definitely arouses the most interest. In large part, it is because the biggest reproductive organ of all times, it’s their big Willie statue which is 8 feet tall and 620 pounds….here in America we just call that Tommy Lee.

Garfield Heights coppers were in hot pursuit…I’m saying HOT PURSUIT of a bad guy. They were weaving in and out of traffic and reaching almost 100 mph. Finally the bad guy stopped, but then he made a run for it on foot. And he was faster than lightening as he got a good 50 yard lead on officers and climbed…completely climbed over a very high fence. And it was then…then the cops stopped chasing him and burst out laughing. Why? Because he had just climbed the fence that surrounds the state penitentiary! On the plus side for Mr. Crooked, it was the women’s prison.

Out of Florida … Filling up The Bucket

Patricia Edwards is 51 years old and recently walked into a Bank of America and handed her the famous note…the one that says hand me all your loot! Patty then left and because she wasn’t wearing a disguise at all, she was caught fairly soon. She then told cops she had a great excuse…she said that due to having leukemia and being bipolar she didn’t have long to live. She said robbing a bank was one of the things on her bucket list. Thankfully they caught her because next on the list was killing her ex-husband.

Out of The UK …Say what?

Douglas Wakefield is 61 years old and serving a life sentence for strangling someone too death. For the record, Dougie may actually prefer to be called Debbie sense he recently had a sex change operation. And although he/she is serving a life sentence…he is being given permission to marry Thelma who now goes by Tai. Tai is a lesbian who is serving time for murder. Which leads to the question…if Doug has changed to Debbie and marries Thelma who now goes by Tai…is he a gay or straight man? Maybe the headline in the local paper answers that question…it read, “Sex-change killer to wed lesbian murderess”.

On dairy farms you will find a lot of manure…right…the cows crap like water firing out of a hydrant. Well this all turns into what is called a poop lagoon. Yes the dukie flows like a fountain of life but smells like death. And in these lagoons gas bubbles begin to build and in Indiana the bubbles are getting out of hand. In fact they are getting to be the size of small homes and this is a problem because when they blow…it’s ugly. Just ask one farmer who poked around a little too much and got launched…got launched over 40 feet. The bubble blew up and singed all … all the hair off of his head.

Out of Indonesia … Having a Ball

A 19 year-old boy was in love…desperately in love with his girlfriend, but she dumped him. She dumped him and let him know that she intended to marry another man. So the 19 year old made the choice to show his unhappiness by cutting off Mr. Happy. He chopped off his peanut and threw it away.

Out of New Mexico … Backseat Dumper

18 year old Austin Purify was mad … really mad at his girlfriend for breaking up with him so he was going to teach her a lesson. So he drove to where she worked, found her car, and climbed in the backseat and began to take a dump. No lie, he pulled down his pants and began to let it go on the leather. It was about then someone … not his girlfriend … opened the door and screamed what the heck are you doing? It was then, then that he realized that he was in the wrong car.

Out of Pennsylvania … Playing Possum

Donald Wolfe got arrested for a DUI, yes he was driving while bombed out of his mind. It wasn’t that he was swerving all over the road that got him busted. It was the fact that he was in the middle of the road….he was lying down in the middle of the road giving a possum CPR. Drunk Butt Don had hit the poor little critter and was trying to bring him back from the light!

Out of Tennessee … The fastest thing on two feet!

22 year-old Daniel R. Lee of Church Hill walked into a local IGA and within seconds was being chased all through out the store. He darted and dashed through the produce, he made a sprint down aisle 16 past the sugar filled cereals and then he safely jumped over the beer display and out the door he went…out he went buck naked. Yes they call him the streak…Daniel Lee showed all his goody goodies to the fine people of the IGA and then he went across the parking lot to Carl Juniors. It was there that cops caught him. When asked why he felt the need to show his buck naked speed, he said that he was just bored.

The Animal Cops were called to a potentially disastrous scene in Grand Junction. They were responding to a 9-1-1 call regarding a skunk we will call Sammy. Sammy the skunk had found himself a jar of peanut butter and wanted to get the very last drop. So much so that he put his head all the way inside and got it stuck! So there he was spinning around and around banging his little stinky head on the ground.  And after several minutes of the officers likely saying “I’m not doing it…you do it” one of the cops went for it. They went in and without getting a stitch of the stench on em … freed Sammy!

Out of Washington … Howl in The World

Bainbridge Island officers found a very very interesting man roaming the streets! No name was given but we do know he is 35 years old and considers himself to be an expert in the area of Werewolves and C.H.U.D.S. Both of which he says are running wild on the Island and he was hunting them. Strange thing is … he actually looked like he had been in a fight with a werewolf with all the scratches on him.  He was sent for an evaluation.

Out of South Carolina … Look!  It’s a bird, it’s over

38 year-old Gary Jones was jogging down the beach in beautiful Hilton Head. Oh yes, it was the perfect day … the wind in his hair, good music on his iPod, the air filling his lungs, the sun warming his skin and then a plane landed on him.

Sylvester Jiles of Cocoa Beach was recently convicted for trespassing, breaking and entering, and resisting arrest. Now why is that a What are You Kidding Me Story? Because he was breaking INTO the county jail. He wanted in so badly that he cut himself up attempting to go over a 12 foot barbed wire fence. Strange thing is, since he was convicted he will get to go exactly where he wanted to go…to jail…for 15 years.

Out of Colorado … What a Trooper

David Nolan was arrested by Douglas County Deputies around 7 in the morning…remember that now…it was 7 in the morning. David was arrested for drunk driving, carrying a gun, and wearing a uniform, and oh yeah, for driving his…his police car. Yes, Davey the Drunk is or WAS Colorado State Trooper.

Out of New Jersey … Stop Being a Pest

Here is a quickie, Isaiah Vidal Maceda decided to spray for pest in his first floor apartment. However, he did read the warning label that said it was flammable. So after spraying and spraying he got tired and needed a smoke. So as he continued to spray he fired up a cancer stick and…and blew the entire front wall out of his apartment.